Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Watch and learn, children

This?  Is how you destroy someone.  Completely and utterly.  So listen up and take some fucking notes.  I'm in a good mood today, and I want to do something for the common servant of the Bossman.  Hell, even if you ain't a proxy you could benefit from this handy little guide.

There are no steps, or phases, or whatever.  It's not a fucking numbered process.  Everyone, every single last one of you fleshy motherfuckers has a self destruct button.  Something about you, whether it's a part of your personality, something that happened to you in the past, a feeling you have about someone- it varies from case to case.  Sometimes they don't even know it.  Most of the time they do, but they keep it locked away.

Find it.  The one thing that person is ashamed of.  Bring it to the surface and watch them destroy themselves.  Let me give you an example.

Two months back, I pursued a group of three Runners.  Two girls and a guy, let's call them Jane, Susan, and John.  It was the same old story- the Bossman stared in their windows until they went crazy and ran.  Thing was, he didn't have any time for em, so I was sent to deal with them.  After tracking them to Chicago, I looked up some info on them on the plane over.  Jane and John were dating since last August according to their Facebooks. (always check Facebook, it's like Weaknesses-R-Us)  However, after a bit of digging, I found out that Susan and John had broke up July of last year.  Sounds like your typical teen drama boring as fuck bullshit, right?  Well it weren't.  These guys were in their mid twenties!  And Susan and John had been together for four years beforehand.  They'd even *gasp!* been engaged before breaking it off.  Shock!  Horror!

Why?  Didn't take a genius to figure it out, which is good because I am one.  Young, enterprising Jane had stolen John away from Susan by virtue of being more attractive and not quite as needy.  See, Susan had a condition.  Can't even remember what it was.  But it made the prospect of married life with her seem quite the chore.  So noble John left her.  Shameful!  What a thoroughly evil young man!  I hope you're as disgusted as I was!  But, well, turns out there's always another side to every story.  Susan hid her condition from John until well after the engagement.  Out of shame, out of fear, your guess is as good as mine, but she sprung it on him out of nowhere.  So John felt quite justified in dumping the little secret keeper.  Was he right?  Fuck if I know or care, that isn't important.  What's important is the story itself, not the moral.

I caught up with them in Chicago, where they'd been hiding in an abandoned warehouse.  As a gesture of goodwill, I walked in alone, to find Susan by her lonesome, albeit with a baseball bat.  The other two were nowhere to be seen- not home at the moment, it would seem.  I was ordered to sit and not to try any funny business.  I obeyed, being the cooperative gentleman that I am.  Then I decided it was time to start a conversation with my captor.  A breakup like that was bound to have some long lasting emotional trauma, and I wanted to help the poor woman sort it all out.  Here was our conversation in full.

S: What do you think you know about me?

R: I know everything there is to know about you, Susan, my dear.  Especially about you and a certain John...

S: And is that supposed to scare me?  Mentioning an old relationship?

R: It just seemed strange to me, is all, that the two of you would break off after such a long-

S: That's none of your business!  You're not my psychiatrist, you freak!  Stop talking.

R: I'm not?  What a shame.  You could certainly use one.

S: A-and what the hell is that supposed to mean!?

R: It meant what it sounded like, Susan.  You have many feelings about this situation, don't you?  Not the unpleasant disagreement with my employer, no- I mean about John...and Jane.

S: *She was silent, but I noted the difference in her body language now.  She was biting her lip, hard, and her eyes were narrowing.  The look on her face was simply delightful- a mixture of apprehension, and slow but steady realization.  I knew that she knew what I was talking about.*

R: It isn't easy, with a condition like yours.  Always being a burden, always slowing everyone down, taking up their time.  Always feeling the shame of that, festering in the back of your mind.  The knowledge that everyone who helped you did it out of pity, and not all of them did it willingly.  The knowledge that they resented you- for what you are.

S: You...shut the hell up.

 R: It was the same with John, wasn't it?  He threw you aside the moment you proved you would be a hassle to him, and went with someone else only a month laterOh, but that must have HURT, Susan.

S: I-it did at the time, but it's been almost a year!  I'm not-...I've gotten over-

R: Don't lie to me, my dear.  I'm merely telling you things you already knew.  Because no matter how much you told yourself that you just wanted him to be happy and that you'd find someone else, deep down you have always known the truth.  You hate them.  You hate them both.  As you should- how dare he cast you aside because of something you cannot even control!  But instead of embracing this truthful feeling, you buried it deep, deep down, put on a brave smile, and tried to simply continue forward.

S: Sh-SHUT UP!  Stop-  Stop talking!  *The poor woman really was not looking too well at all,  with her trembling hands and shaking knees.  Having scored a wound, I hurried to open it further.*

R: Even now, on this trip, the three of you on the run, you must have felt it.  That pain in your stomach whenever they touched, the longing you feel for him to look that way at you again.  And knowing that even now, they have to help you, that you were just slowing them down.

S: *She was crying at this point, her head in her hands, as if to block out the sound of my voice.  She had dropped her weapon.  I took the liberty of standing up.*

R: And you see it when they look at you, don't you?  That lingering doubt they have.  They wonder..."Is she really worth it?"  "Maybe if we left her behind, we'd have a better chance."  "Maybe we could be alone together." Your mere presence is holding them back.  But you already know this.

S: *She had fallen to her knees, weeping openly.  I felt truly sorry for the poor woman's predicament.  It just wasn't right that they treated her that way.  I had to help.  Any decent person would help.  I walked to her, and laid a comforting hand on her shoulder, leaning down to be at face level.*

R: It's alright, Susan.  None of this is your fault.  No, it's theirs, for cruelly treating you like this when you can do nothing about it.  There's still time.  You can still make things right, with this.

I removed one of my knives from within my coat, and placed it in her hand.  It was one of my special ones, a Balisong butterfly knife.  Normally I'd keep it for myself, but what can I say, poor Susan's plight simply tugged at my heart.  She dully stared at the knife in her hand, then up to me.  Slowly, she nodded.  I gave her an encouraging smile, then stepped back into the shadows.

In due time they returned, and she played her part magnificently.  Their screams of pain and confusion were music to my ears as I watched her slay first John, then Jane, then finally, herself.  I wiped a tear from my eye at the tragic ending of a tragic life.

Got it, kids?  No reason to get your suit dirty when a few words will do the trick.  Now, this was an easy scenario.  Seriously, dumb bitch bought every word.  Sometimes it don't work, y'know?  THAT is when you fall back on the Morningstar method, and brutally kill them in some hilariously gory and cruel fashion.

RIIIIIGHT!  Class dismissed!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

What a strange concept

It's occurred to me that I might create a weblog of my own, in order to keep my business dealings nice and orderly.  I will report back here with any new of significant, importantor just amusing missions I complete.

Currently I am enjoying the view here in New York City, in my temporary hotel room.  The service and food has been excellent, although the waiter in the cafe spilled wine on my suit.  However, that's not such a big deal, and we both got a good laugh out of it, especially while I strangled him in the alley behind the building.  It's almost like those dumpsters are there just to make things convenient for a gentleman like myself.

Ahahahaha.  Hurting people.  Let me tell you, folks, it never gets old!  That was a particularly satisfying strangling.  His eyes practically popped out of their sockets!  The fact that I was carving his eyes out with a knife might've helped, but hell, I ain't a biologist.

And wouldn't you know it?  He bleeds all over my clothing.  The man was simply attracted by some force, gravitational or otherwise, towards spilling things!  Awfully clumsy for a waiter.  I was one step ahead, however- I changed into casualwear beforehand!  Ha!  My suit remains as spotless as ever, although I must say the laundry bill for it did not improve the poor fellow's chance of survival, not one bit.

So I'm quite pleased with myself, and the hotel should be too, I've done them quite the favor here.  I think I will turn in for tonight.  Good evening.